Wrestling With God

Naturally, there are many difficult aspects to grieving your child. There's the pain of loss. Coping with losing the "rest of your life." Dealing with the worries and realities of continuing to grow your family and have more children. The anxiety of going to shopping malls and amusement parks and museums and know that somebody, some horribly ignorant fool, will bring their baby along and you'll have to deal with seeing a happy family that isn't your own. Almost none of these hold a candle to theological struggles.

I'm often told to keep trusting God and not to lose my faith. "Everything happens for a reason," they might say. Or, "God loves you and has a plan for you in all of this." Frankly, it all makes me a little nauseated. Because right now, the problem isn't learning how to trust God. 

It's how to forgive Him.

I don't think you can truly understand this struggle until you have grieved someone that shouldn't have died. Ava was not old. She hadn't lived a full life. She was only 4 days old...not even a full week. I never got to bring her home from the hospital. Her life was just beginning. She should not have died.

So whose fault is it that she did? There was no drunk driver; no doctor or nurse that slipped up. It was just a flaw in her biological makeup. Something she inherited from her father and I and something that none of us had any control over. Who did have control over it?

God.

And I can't understand why He would do this to me. Why would He make her so sick in the first place? Why didn't He miraculously heal her while still in my womb? Why didn't He let her live, even as disabled as she would have been? Why did He give her to me if He was just going to take her away?

I cannot make sense of this. I am unable to get to a point where I can be okay with what happened, where I can say, "God, I know you had a good reason for this and I remain humble under all your instruction, blah blah blah." I am angry. He supposedly loves me and is supposedly all-powerful. Where was that love and power when I needed Him most? When the person I love most in all of history and in all the world was dying?

The doctors and nurses and prayer groups did everything they could to save Ava. Why didn't God?

Right now, the only thing that I can come up with is that He wanted to teach me and/or D something and this was the only way to do it. Others may be content with this explanation, but I'm not. Because then it puts everything on us. Was I that lost and blind that He was left with no choice but to kill my daughter to get my attention? Was there no other way He could have taught me that lesson; a way that didn't involve death? 

I should think so, because this way is not bringing me closer to Him right now. I'm only doubting His goodness, even His existence. (Yes, even while capitalizing the H.)

I have accepted that I can learn from this situation and that I will grow from it. I can already sense myself becoming a stronger person and a better mother because of it. But to have a good reason for why this happened? I really don't want one. What reason would be worth it? What could possibly be worth the sacrifice? Again: couldn't I have learned this lesson any other way? 

So if not a good reason or a bad reason, is this just something that happened? Does God not interfere in our lives? Does He listen to our prayers and our pleas for help and say "no" or--worse yet--ignore us? If Matthew 21:22 is not true, what about the rest of the Bible? How can I believe in anything else it says if this one simple verse means nothing anymore?

I am unable to be positive when my other angel mom-friends post Bible verses or "uplifting" quotes while trying to manage their own grief. I want to shout at them and their stupid, weak, blind faith.

"Do you really believe God took your baby to give you something better?! If He didn't want you to have that baby, He wouldn't have given her to you in the first place! What could possibly be better than having your child?"

 "Yes, God had to watch His son die, but He knew He would see Him again. He planned all of it! We didn't plan this for ourselves and now I have no idea if God will accept me into heaven to see my girl again."

"I am just as grateful that my child's suffering is over, but that means that my suffering is just beginning! What about us? Does that mean God loves our children more than He loves me?"

It's possible that God is simply taking the long way around: breaking down my flimsy, house-of-cards faith only to build it up again, but stronger. Yes, that is possible. But is that the reason for Ava's death?

Right now, here on earth, I hope not. I hope I am not the reason God took her. I can't live with that. This will only be okay when I have already been in heaven for 10,000 years. But I still need to get there. I'm not sure if I'm on that path. 

Which brings me back to God: if He knows everything, He knew that this would be my reaction. Is that really what He wanted?

I don't know. And coming to any kind of conclusion right now is impossible, because I don't have a neat resolution that makes everything okay or that even looks hopeful. All I have are my anger and my confusion.