How to Cope With Losing Your Baby

Step 1: 

Cry a few times.

Step 2:

Throw a lovely memorial service.

Step 3: 

Spend a month or two journaling and staring introspectively at the ocean.

Step 4: 

Take an exotic vacation with your husband to learn to have fun again.

Step 5:

Have "another baby." You know. The one everyone keeps reminding you that you can have.

Step 6: 

If previous steps were ineffective, take antidepressants.

You're right. I'm so NOT serious about this.

If I Had My Way...

If I had my way, bereaved mothers would stand out. They would look different. The world would be able to see, at a glance, that we had suffered the most tragic loss you can imagine.

My Thoughts on Parenting

I struggled long and hard before publishing this post. On the one hand, I felt like there are a lot of other posts going around that I simply don't agree with, and I jumped at the chance to offer my own opinions. On the other hand, I know that several people (friends of mine) might be offended by what I have to say.

Please know that I am not trying to spark a debate. I'm not trying to tell you that your parenting style is wrong. Really. If I was trying to do that, I would approach you directly (and privately) and tell you. I may disagree with you, but I am respectful enough to keep my distance. All I ask is the same from you.

"I Would Die" (12.20.2013)

But the thing is, you don't.

What frightens is not Death,
it's having to emerge, the lone survivor,
from the burning wreckage.
It's remembering the closeness of the bomb,
the crash of concrete and the crush of brick.
It's breathing in the dust and rubble and saying,
"This is my home.
This is where I will live."

3 Arguments Pro-Choicers (and Pro-Lifers!) Need to STOP Making!

For my entire life (but especially since becoming pregnant), I have been adamantly Pro-Life. This may come as a surprise to some, but I also consider myself a feminist and (in some ways, at least) rather liberal.

I am Pro-Life not because I believe that women shouldn't have to right to control their bodies, but because I believe they should not have the right to create someone and then kill that someone simply because another life would be inconvenient.

A Letter From My Daughter

This year for my dad's 60th (!!!) birthday, my mom wanted to do something special to celebrate him. My dad is very introverted and reserved, so I suggested that we contact his friends and family around the country and have them write a letter to him. We told them that they could share a memory, what they felt about him, how much he meant to them...whatever they wanted. 

I received the letters in my mailbox and e-mail inbox and was so touched by the kind and loving words everyone had for such an amazing man. I was also really awakened by the fact that most people don't get to hear these types of things at all, because they only spoken at funerals. It really brought home the point that we need to tell people how we feel about them when they are still here.

It also reminded me that I will never get to hear what my daughter feels about me.

Wrestling With God

Naturally, there are many difficult aspects to grieving your child. There's the pain of loss. Coping with losing the "rest of your life." Dealing with the worries and realities of continuing to grow your family and have more children. The anxiety of going to shopping malls and amusement parks and museums and know that somebody, some horribly ignorant fool, will bring their baby along and you'll have to deal with seeing a happy family that isn't your own. Almost none of these hold a candle to theological struggles.

Look What We Got!

The 1st anniversary of Ava's passing came and went, and we "celebrated" (for lack of a better word) by unveiling her new grave marker.

So What Does That Make Me?

I love (and when I say "love," I mean LOVE) Pinterest. I'm on it all the time. I especially like the random pictures and quotes in the "Humor" section that sometimes just make my day.

Until I come across things like this lovely blog post. Go ahead and read it (it's short). I'll wait.

I see this type of thing a lot. I see things like, "You're not a real parent until you've swatted blindly in the backseat hoping to connect with a kid." Or "You're not a real parent until you've flipped your child off behind his back at least once." (Seriously. Think about what flipping someone off really means and decide whether that's the type of attitude you should have toward your own children.) There's even a popular Buzzfeed list going around called "27 Reasons Why Kids Are Actually The Worst."

Laughing yet?

Strong (10.30.13)

But the truth is
that we are not made of stone,
merely covered by it.
This is how it grew there:
slowly and painfully, built by tears,
as the groundwater builds the stalactite.
We held still
as it embraced us
and did not run away.

Year Two

As we reach the finish line of Year One Without Ava, I'm reminded that this means it's only the beginning of Year Two Without Ava. This scares me, because I've heard from various sources that the second year is harder than the first.

Lessons Where You Least Expect Them

Today's lesson is brought to you by tea:

Sometimes, hot water brings out your best qualities and turns you into something strong and wonderful. But if you let yourself steep for too long, you'll become bitter.

Welcoming Grief

As I go through the process of grieving my lost daughter, I'm learning more and more that it is a journey through uncharted territory. Many, many people have gone through grief before I did; and many more people will experience it after me. But it is a new journey for each person and no one goes through it the same way. You can try to share your experience with others, but it is something that each person has to live for themselves in order to truly understand it.

Some Background...

This blog will most likely end up being about whatever happens to pop into my head during the day, but much of it will revolve around what I consider to be THE defining event in my life, so I thought it would be appropriate to talk about it (briefly).

Was Lost, But Now I'm Found

And then there's those moments when you thought you were so lost that no one would ever find you, but you see someone--a stranger--waving at you from a short distance. And you think, "maybe I'm headed in the right direction, after all." That's what this song did to me.