My Thoughts on Parenting

I struggled long and hard before publishing this post. On the one hand, I felt like there are a lot of other posts going around that I simply don't agree with, and I jumped at the chance to offer my own opinions. On the other hand, I know that several people (friends of mine) might be offended by what I have to say.

Please know that I am not trying to spark a debate. I'm not trying to tell you that your parenting style is wrong. Really. If I was trying to do that, I would approach you directly (and privately) and tell you. I may disagree with you, but I am respectful enough to keep my distance. All I ask is the same from you.

I am also aware that I am not currently parenting any kids, so I probably don't know what I'm talking about. You may feel as though you shouldn't say anything to me because you don't want to hurt me by saying I'm "not a mother." I wouldn't say anything to me, either. Especially if you are going to say I'm not a mother.

All I'm trying to do is tell other moms and moms-to-be that there is more than one way to parent. You don't have to feel guilty if you decide to go back to work, or put the baby's crib in another room, or let them cry for a few minutes while you do the dishes. You don't need to do whatever your neighbor or your friend or your aunt or some random blogger tells you to.

All I'm trying to do is list some random views I have (in no particular order) on my parenting opinions, beliefs, and plans.

1. Love. Above all else, love. I know the next several points are going to make me sound a little harsh, but I plan on loving the crap outta my kids. I'll never understand those monsters that abuse their children, or those idiots that care more about themselves than their children's well-being. I believe in loving my kids and showing it.
2. I hate the term "Attachment Parenting." As if the rest of us are not attached to our kids. As if we don't care what happens to them and our hearts don't break when they are sad or scared. As if we dump them in cold, isolated cribs and laugh when they cry. There's a reason that a saying like "cut the cord" exists. Your children are meant for the larger world. They were never meant to be literally attached to you at the hip. What happens to that child when you have to drop them off for their first day of school? Or when you need a break and you can't leave them with a babysitter because of the tantrums? I don't plan on co-sleeping. Or constant baby-wearing. Or nursing on demand. Because when your child is not forced to adjust to anything (that is, when it's you doing all the adjusting), how can you say they are "well-adjusted?"
3. As much as this may shock you, I plan on raising my kids to be tough. Not "fight me in the alley" tough. Definitely not "I don't care about anyone but myself" tough. But "the opposite of weak" tough. I have learned a lot about Life since Ava died. I have learned that you don't always get what you want. That there are some things--devastating, life-altering, ruinous things--that you cannot plan for. Disappointments and heartache are all a part of this life. Yes, kids need time to be kids, but I think pain is a lot easier to bear when it's not the first time you've had to bear it. So, yes, "walk it off" will be a common phrase in my house.
4. My kids will be vaccinated. Freak out all you like, but I would much rather have a child with autism than a dead child. I know this from experience. Besides, I simply don't believe all the hype about vaccines being harmful. (I will refer you to this post and I will apologize PROFUSELY for the language, but I think it sums up my reactions to this issue.) 
5. Kids should work. Even if all they can do is put their toys inside a toy box, they should be held responsible for doing so and expected to do it without complaining. Yes, they will complain. They will try to weasel out of it. But they won't fight it as much if you are consistent and they realize that this is their job as much as going to work every day (or doing the laundry) is your job. Kids who grow up with a work ethic will enter the world with a work ethic. My mom always bugged us to pick things up when the house got messy (and it drove me crazy!), but now I wish she had given us all daily chores so that we would have gotten used to doing them.
6. My kids will grow up knowing that other people are more important. I will take them to soup kitchens. I will encourage them to give up part of their allowance to charity. When they complain that "there isn't ANYTHING in the fridge!" I will explain to them how much worse off the kids in Africa and India are. The vast majority of society's problems are caused by selfishness. It's that simple. Kids who care more about others than they do themselves become adults who care more about others than they do themselves. They will NOT be spoiled.
7. You do NOT get to act a fool. If my two-year-old niece can walk away from a set of breakable dishes with only one "no," then any child can. I don't believe in "she doesn't know any better" or "I hate to see him cry." I will not give them warnings. You don't behave the first time, you will be disciplined.
8. I will not spank. To be honest, I don't think spanking is intrinsically bad. There are right and wrong ways of doing it. But I don't want my children getting any hints from their parents that hitting is okay when you are mad. I don't want to risk them resenting me or being afraid that I will fly off the handle.
9. There is right and wrong. There is a right set of beliefs and a wrong set of beliefs. I don't believe in letting my children choose their own religion when they are old enough. I will not support them if they choose to be atheist or Hindu or whatever. This is not to say that they will not make their own decisions. Of course they will, but if I believe that a certain faith is the right one, I would be remiss if I condoned my child choosing any other way.  
10. They will be familiar with death. It is never an easy subject to broach with your kids. They may start to fear that they will die soon, or that you will. But you know what? It's never a "convenient" time to confront death. It doesn't wait for you to be "ready." It is terrible and it is beautiful, but we believe that death (for those who have faith in Jesus) reunites us with God and with our loved ones. I will tell them how horrible death is for taking their sister. I will tell them how wonderful death is that we get to see her again. I will not coddle them. Life didn't coddle me when I lost my daughter. 

In the words of Robert Heinlein, "Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy." Because Life won't be soft to them. Life will be hard, and raw, and painful. All of the items on this list sound like I'm going to give them a joyless, strained existence. That's not true, and those of you who know me know that I will be 1,000,000,000% grateful to have children in my life.

We will have movie dates, and go to the park. I will read them bedtime stories and make cookies with them. We will build Lego palaces and blow bubbles, and eat ice cream and laugh together. 

But Life is more than this. And if I don't prepare them to be strong, their first battle will knock them flat on their backs. You're probably thinking that Ava's death changed everything for me and that I probably wouldn't have been like this if she were still alive. Absolutely! I had the wind completely knocked out of me when she died, and I think one of the reasons why I had such a huge internal struggle was that my life had been relatively easy until that point.

A couple weeks after we came home from the hospital, David asked "Other than Ava, who was the closest person to you that you lost?" My answer?

Spunky, our family dog.

I hadn't experienced such a devastating loss before. Or really struggled with anything. Nothing important anyway. Not until now, and it is changing me SO MUCH.

It is making me into a better person. And, if I have the chance to help my children grow into the kind of person I am becoming, shouldn't I take it?