You may also know that I'm currently expecting (any day now!) our "rainbow baby," and have been furiously nesting (everything but cleaning, really) in preparation for her arrival.
Well, today, I came to the realization that God has been "nesting," too.
A few months ago, my BFF Rachel asked me to start coming to a Bible study she was hosting through her church, in the hopes that the group would benefit from someone else who had grown up as a Christian. I didn't want to. I told her I was the last person that should be providing a "Christian perspective" on anything to new believers, as I would probably only discourage them. She assured me that the entire point was to show that life is hard for everybody and that following God doesn't mean that life will be easier for anybody. I relented and started attending each week.
About a month ago, we decided to start a study that would involve daily Bible reading/studying and called for a deep digging into the Bible. I balked, remembering the pain and confusion that stopped my studies last year. I had finally gotten to a point where I could talk about God without screaming at Him, and I was nervous to dig everything up again. But I pulled up my sleeves and started it up anyway.
Maybe my heart has changed in the past year. Maybe God just knew it was the right time for me. Maybe the accountability of answering to a group forced me to take off my boxing gloves and really listen. Whatever the reason, I've found that I have been much more able to listen to and receive what God is saying.
I have stopped yelling at God, and started listening to Him.
I have stopped questioning God, and started learning about Him.
I have stopped disbelieving God, and started trusting Him.
God has convicted me, corrected me, and challenged me in ways that I didn't even think were problems before.
And this morning, I realized what perfect timing God has. I have been clearing the house of useless junk to prepare for things that will actually benefit our new lives. God has been doing the same with my heart. I have been organizing what's leftover so that I am better able to access those crucial things I need at a moment's notice. So has God. I have been doing all of this to prepare for a new life, a new occupant. God has, too.
God has been "nesting."
And just as my home will probably never be completely "finished" (to my satisfaction, anyway), my heart will never be, either. I will be living the rest of my life in a constant state of renewal. Change. Flux. Growth.
It makes me wonder how many other areas of my life have been "on hold" until I was ready for them. (I don't mean that I lost Ava because I wasn't "ready" to have her. I could never accept that.) How many other times did God call me, but I wasn't listening?
Perhaps this is the way it was supposed to be all along. One of the ladies in my Bible study made an interesting observation from the book of Esther. In preparation to even be presented to the king, she underwent a yearlong beautification regimen. She was living the high life and taking it easy. But it was all in preparation for the hard task ahead of her. Perhaps my yearlong hiatus from God was just that: a rest in preparation for the hard task ahead of me. And now that my heart and spirit are stronger, I am better able to hear Him.
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